Miscarriage & Stillbirth: Story No.1

Three months after deciding I wanted to become pregnant,  I fell pregnant.

One day after I had expected my period to arrive, my boobs were swollen and I felt strangely different. That lunch time I popped to Boots and found myself looking at a very faint Positive result. Once home, I took another test and again, the positive line showed up. We nickname him the 'little prick' due to me getting my words mixed up and telling Rowan that our blastocyst was the size of a pin prick, instead of pin head. A week later I confirmed it with my doctor.

We set about resting, taking everything at a slightly slower rate. We discussed names and parenting styles, followed a pregnancy app to see what was happening and everything seemed rather bloody good.

I would get occasional aches here and there but other than extremely swollen boobs, I had no real symptoms. It was the perfect pregnancy. I noticed certain things changing: my stomach swelling, my hair thickening, my nails appeared stronger. I longed to drink wine or beer but found the idea repulsive, everything seemed perfect until week eight.

One afternoon that week, I started to develop mild cramping in my abdomen and asked to be excused from work early. Once home the cramping increased and all I could do was lay in bed. I felt as though my period was starting and all I could do was cry. I visited the lavatory and thought my discharged looked a little darker. I put a panty liner in my knickers hoping I could see clearly if anything was up.

My hopeless state continued and I failed to calm myself down. I read various posts about bleeding while pregnant and eventually calmed down. At around 3am that night, the cramps became more intensive and I needed the lavatory. Once there I noticed a couple of brown dots in my knickers, as I looked down I noticed a bright red pool and some clots in the loo. With a heavy heart I burst in to tears, I returned to bed distraught, My boyfriend was instantly concerned insisting that we phoned NHS direct.

The lady at the end of 111 was very kind and calm, she helped calm me down and arranged for a GP to call me. Around 15 minutes later the GP called me directly, advising me that sleep was the best medicine and that she would book me into the EPU (Emergency Pregnancy Unit) first thing, 10 minutes later she called back confirming my appointment for 11:30am the following morning.

Around 5pm the pain had settled on to my left side, I freaked thinking I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, I called back the GP surgery and was told the GP would call me back. As I settled back into bed, I felt an almighty snap in my womb and then a rush of fluid. A couple of minutes later the GP called me back and put my mind at rest and told me if I needed too, I could visit them but they wouldn't be able to tell me anything until the scan had taken place at the EPU. 
The following morning I noticed that the cramps appeared to have subsided. I eventually went to the loo, there was more bleeding and more clots but nothing too big. Around 9am I went back to the lavatory and that was when the worst thing I could see came to view. I heard a tiny splosh and looked down to see a small sack of fluid lying in the bottom of the lavatory. The GP had asked me to collect everything I could to take to the hospital and the idea of scooping out my potential baby was soul destroying, I convinced myself it was the placenta or mucus plug and just got on with it. It was horrific and all I could do was crawl back into bed with my boyfriend and have a good cry. Helpless to do anything else. I started to barter, hoping that maybe I had been carrying twins and maybe lost one, all sorts of random things came through my brain, although I knew deep down, there was no other ending for us.

Later that morning we were at the hospital for our appointment, a kind nurse talked to us, I explained everything and she said that it sounded like a miscarriage. I then presented the tiny mite to her and we were put in a quiet room to cry and console each other. About 15 minutes later a friendly faced Sonographer called Bee came to see us; she led us through and the internal examination started. She confirmed that I had had a clean miscarriage and that I seemed in full health.

I am so grateful to the Woman's Health Department at the North London Hospital, they were extremely gentle and kind, involving my boyfriend in the full process and with his support I feel as though we could get through anything. I don't think I could have dealt with it alone and I have nothing but pure awe for women who do. He was my rock from beginning to end and knowing that I had his constant support is phenomenal. I'm not the only person who experienced my miscarriage obviously, he did too. He lost his potential child too and our future has changed together through this dreadful happening.

And to our 'little prick' who we lost, I will always think of you and I'm sorry that you weren't intended for this world. Thank you for being with us while you were, we loved you so, so much.
Viewpoint: Mother
Age: 33
Country: England


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